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For the first time

Do you remember laying eyes on your little baby for the first time of your life? Minutes ago, this tiny being was still basking in the warmth of your womb.

In the earlier months, this bundle of joy was just making movements and giving me sudden kicks inside me; associated with heartburns and backaches; frequent toilet trips; black and white ultrasound images and heartbeat that sounds like a horse galloping. Accompanied with all the other surreal experiences which changes your life.

I have often marveled over how a tiny bleeping dot can evolve to become a fully functional human being. From the womb to the world. The kind of amazeballs wowness is beyond what words can describe. Simply profound.

So I had anticipated the arrival of this little King. And articles I read was filled with so much love that I was really worried I would die from that overwhelming love and emotions.

So after a 29hour labour – which is a story for another day – I saw my little bub. I felt nothing like what the articles said.

The doctor put him in my arms for some ‘mother and baby’ moment. Hmm… It was actually a weird feeling  to carry my baby. He feels foreign, and I didn’t feel like he is mine. LOL.

Truth be told, my body was shaking from the post labour muscle trauma. Perhaps it was also part of the last effects of anaesthetic leaving my body, I felt like I had just scaled a mountain. My entire being was weak and trembling.

My back hurts, my lower body was still feeling out of this world, and my head was spinning like no tomorrow.

My hubby asked me to smile for a photo with the baby in my arms. I’m glad I managed a good smile. But when I looked down at my baby, it was nothing sweet or lovely. The near vision sent my headache into pure overdrive. I told the nurse to bring my baby away. I needed rest.

So when I recalled how it was like to see my baby for the first time, I had felt “inhuman” for the longest time. However, over time I rationalized that it’s only normal due to the physical stress of post labour.

If any mums out there vaguely feel the same as I did, don’t worry. I swear it was the unhealthy amount of stories romanticising the beautiful heartwarming overwhelming motherly love of childbirth. I don’t mean that childbirth is not all of this, but I want to assure new mothers that it’s probably normal not to feel it – all at once on the first time you lay eyes on your tiny little miracle. 🙂

For the First Time

Sam Tan
Working mum with a 3 year old boy. Life as it is, was already awesome. And the 3 year old has given me much more to ponder about life and my priorities.I have always hoped I can be the mother my mum was, but in reality I soon realised I am not wired to deliver such. Motherhood for me - is like a graceful dance, where you constantly swing back and forth according to life's rhythm. It is also much like a balancing act where you learn to slow down and nurture that young life you have brought into this world, despite its constant need for speed and instant gratification. But alas, my friends say I am simply not your usual typical sort of mum.

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